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It's almost 4pm and all I have had are 3 sticks of sugar free strawberry shortcake gum and that's it I'm doing good today very proud of myself for being strong I probably will be eating dinner with Teddy tonight if my stomach stops hurting or I'll just sleep so I don't have to eat!It is now 6:00 and I still have et to eat and wow do I feel amazing not giving it today I'm so proud of myself let's see if Ivan hang in there till Teddy comes home to eat I will be uber excited if I can I'm gonna have a glass of diet soda then lay down again. It's after 8 and I haven't eaten but I will eat when Teddy gets home cuz I am starving an I'm sick I'll have something small and light like a fruit cup or a fat free yogurt. I'm so proud of myself!

436 days till my wedding

CW- 145.4
gw1- 130
Gw2- 120
Gw3- 110
Lgw- 100

According to my scale in the bathroom I have lost 5 lbs? How can that be?!? I think the scale at the gym is way off because when I set it to 0 it was still off so I
Going to use the scale in my bathroom because it is very accurate. I am very happy about my weight today and I feel like 5 lbs. Have been lifted off my shoulders but I still have to lose 45 lbs. To get down to 100 so I can be perfect for my wedding day. On a better note I went to the gym again lastnight so that makes it 2 days in a row and today will anne it 3!!! It feels so good to get back to the gym where I can't be so lazy anymore because I need to fix me and feel better about myself even though when I stare in the mirror when I lose weight I still see this huge girl stairing back at me and I need to lose more! I worked out for 90 minutes both days and yesterday I walked to burn of 607 calories and the day before I walked off 511 so that means I am only 2,382 away from losing a pound of fat! I just don't know why I let myself get this way! I can stand who I am and how I look I want the old Ilyssa back where I was thin and pretty and when I felt light headed and hungry I felt like I could take on the world! I finally feel like I am getting my life under control again by controlling my food and exercise! Now getting myself to not be able to eat so much is way harder than it used to be. I am so tired today because I woke up at 6 am and I am working till 7 pm and I will make it to the gum because I am willing to change my life and not give up!

437 days till my wedding!

Cw: 150 :(

Yesterday was the day I had a wakeup call to realize I had gained so much weight that I can only wear leggings, Tshirts, and one sweater that I own. I am depressed by this and needed to do something about it so I went to the gym and workedout for 90 minutes on the treadmill and I was proud that I could still work out for so long! Teddy made dinner that was amazing but I felt so guilty eating it because it was filled with cheese and pasta and bread crumbs. I am trying to get him to realize he needs to eat better ad control his portions because he is a type 1 diabetic. Today when I went home today I had a terrible craving to scarf food in my mouth so I did and it was a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and chips ugh it was terrible! I can't believe that there is 1 year 2 months and 12 days till our wedding and I want to start shopping for my wedding dress by march because I could lose 20 lbs. By then and I can always get my dress taken in a million time. My dream dress is a super tight sexy trumpet gown with a long train and a long vail. if i get my will power back like it used to be before I went to college I will be able to get the dress of my dreams and if not I am just going to have to settle because I don't care enough about myself to lose weight and fit into the dress of my dreams. I am going to workout again tonight because it takes 6 weeks for a habit to form or to get rid of one and that is what I heard I could be wrong. Tonight Teddy is going to his parents house for dinner so I am on my own and that will not help me eat so much because I won't have to cook. I have a good feeling about this because I have never been this heavy in all of my life and I hate who I am and what I have become and Ana I have never wanted you or needed you more than I do now!

countdown to fast 24 hours

alright guys today is almost the end of my 24 hour fast I will be done at 2:52 hahaha what a weird time so I will just make it 3 but I am going to try and get past that because I have class at 3:45-5:15 then I am going to go to the gym and I prolly wont eat again I'm living off coffee, poweraid zero, and 3 ballerina tea that helps remove excess waste from my body basically i'm going to the bathroom a lot to lose a few starter lbs. I put lemon and 4 splenda dots in it so its alright but it smells terrible because its super bitter it has senna in it and that is what is making it "do WORK" hahaha. Yesterday I didn't eat healthy at all and I can tell by the way I go to the bathroom but I really don't remember what I ate actually because I was so busy but I did go to the gym and went on the elliptical for 33 minutes. It has been a long time since I have gone I was focusing how long i could stay on it rather than how many calories I burned because I was becoming very frustrated with how out of shape I am! Today is a good day I feel awesome fasting I was to see how far I can take this! This is an updated picture of me and well I got really fat so I look terrible and puffy and lumpy I will not be this weight anymore it is coming off and I will be 100 lbs again! BY DECEMBER! I feel like I'm a failure and I scare everyone in my life away except Teddy so here are lyrics to Sadie that I am listening to that really show how I feel! I know its like super stupid but I'm really feeling it! SO I DID MY FIRST 27 HOUR FAST YEY!!!!!!!! I broke my fast with a salad with good seasons dressing and a baby tomato and 3 slices of beets it was so good but i hate eating so I figured i'd eat something healthy!

You're on your own my little nightmare you cannot stay here
It's far too bright for you
If they attack you just lay there,
Play dead dear, it's your only hope of pulling through.

And seconds they seem like a lifetime.
A dream, recurring, a dream that can't come true.
And they'll pin it all on you
after all you've been put through.

"Sadie G. she's crazy, see?"
That's what the white coats say.
Now Ms. Susan A. you're losing
every opportunity to put us all away.

Now run along my little nightmare.
Your job is done here.
You've scared them all to death.
If they revive them just sit there.
Just smile dear. Make them thankful for every breath.

The sentence may seem like a lifetime,
a scream, that's curdling the blood they found on you.
And your knives and clothing too.
Charlie's broken .22

"Sadie G. she's crazy, see?"
That's what the white coats say.
Now Ms. Susan A. you're losing
every opportunity.

Well they found you and they shipped you up the river the same way that you've bound and gaged.
You've shot and stab.
You tried to set them free, but they've thrown away the keys.

"He represented a God to me that was so beautiful that I'd do anything for him.
I'd do anything for God.
Even murder, if I believed it was right.
How could it not be right if it is done with love?
I have no remorse for doing what was right to me.
I have no guilt in me."

no white food day 2

well good afternoon my diet lovers! hahah I'm in a good mood today I slept well wok up refreshed and well I went to bed tried hahah might be the lack of white carbs in my diet. I drank a lot of water and green tea yesterday so I was peeing a lot thank god it was zero calories! well today will be as good as yesterday since i didn't slip up at all or over eat. I am getting a bit tired today already prolly cuz my body is losing a lot of sugar it was once addicted too. Well I wont be able to get to the gym today because I have a paper due tomorrow, which was really due today but I got an extension and that was a good thing! Today is another all whole grais day YEY! I like the flavor of the food and it and it makes me poop and i'm full all the time so I eat less.

Breaakfast- Cinnimon Oat cereal (mother's)- 1 cup (230 calories)
Over the moon milk fat free- 1/2 cup (50 calories)
Strawberries- 2 medium (8 calories)
Crystal lite peach mango water- 1 bottle (10 calories)
TOTAL BEFORE DINNER: 298 and I can have 697 more but I wont get that high I was 156 under 1000

no white food diet

Hi Boys and Girls I'm finally back and ready to get thin! I heard about this no white food diet and apparently people are losing weight very quickly from it becauase whole grains will not make you fat if you eat them correctly. You can have fruits and veggies and potatoes but white potatoes in moderation so like I'm having a bowl of optima slim with 3 strawberries and I'll have some veggies in terriaki sauce and that will be the jist of it. I'm basically eatting tin amounts of food till I can control this hunger thing because being fat makes me want to eat all the time so now that I'm doing the high fiber protein thing i'll lose the weight. I'll keep a calorie count here and track my weight or just by pictures cuz I don't have a scale here, which sucks! I am going to write a paper eat some squash and zuchinni in terriaki sauce then go to the gym and do the rest of my reading home work.

Breakfast- Optima slim 1 cup (210 calories)
Over the Moon milk 1 cup (100 calories)
3 strawberries 1 med. 2 small (8 calories)
Breakfast total: 310 calories

Snack- Manderin orange snack cup (70 calories)

Calorie Total before dinner: 380


Today of all days

Today I have gotten my will power back ever since I tried on a pair of pants and I'm at a size 8 and that depressed me I cried when I tried them on a teddy felt terrible not to mention I have an ear infection ugh....I order these awesome diet pills called phenfedra! They work! All I have to say I'm fasting till 7pm tonight that will be 24 hours and um making a brisket for teddy tonight so he will love it!

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saving grace

Well its about time I got some will power back. I can see the scale going down already I was 146.2 and my first goal weight is 140 and when I get to that it will be 130 I am almost there and then I'll be back to a size two in no time! I did compleate a 2 days fast I have my will power back and i'm so excited I'm going to fast today and then till tomorrow night after my radio show since I'm haivng Charlie come visit YEY MY BESTIE! METAL SHOW I am going tanning in the morning because I am taking off work and I'm going to clean the apartment so it looks okay for charlie hahah haven't seen him in a long time! I had a great weekend i fed horses and goats and sheep and ducks and chickens and a turkey hahaha! I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND HE'S SO MUCH FUN OT BE WITH. I will go to the gym in the morning and wear something cute I'll update later.

its been a very very long time

alright I'm back to an all time low or being fat.....yes you heard me fat! how did i let myself get up to this number of 150! omg i'm almost 200 lbs and it scares the shit out of me! This is not healthy for me! Well today is the day for a new start I bought women's ultra mega Active vitamins and Revolution Thermogenic push female formula. I hope thes work for me and I know I should be taking a multi vitamin to help curb my appitiete and to give me energy. Teddy got me a new ipod nano so this should be kicking my ass to work out so I don't get bored. I put minus the bear, belle and sebastian, katy perry, lilly allen, blind guardian, vampire weekend, the ting tings, the killers, the delta spirit, and the killers this music is a way to keep me moving on that treadmill. I am going to the wresting gym with teddy tonight to workout while he trains some wrestlers to be better. I can't wait to see some results. I need to un-pack because my room is a mess from moving back from school! I will post later on my calories burned for a total at the end of the night. these diet pills make me ot hungry soooo happy!

really starting over!

well i had a bad time here of going off my diet and it sucks so today i have had 2 bottles of water and i am having 3 boca burgers for 240 calories and i decided to put calorie free mustard its yummy but i shouldn't be eating ugh i just can't stop eating! i don't understand why! and now i am having some peas and pearl onion for 180 calories which means i have had 420 calories for the day! then i am going to go to the gym after class then write a paper that is due tomorrow.